Handicapped Bathroom Stalls

I believe that there is a major problem occurring in America that no one will address, and I hate to be the one to do it, but I will. There are well-bodied people out there masked as empathetic, caring individuals who use handicapped bathroom stalls.

I know that the above statement may come as a bit of a shock to you because I'm sure that all of you have never even thought about using a spacious and clean handicapped stall when there are 4 perfectly small and disgusting "normal" bathroom stalls to use.

Okay, okay I'm kind of joking, but I started thinking about this one day when my friend told me that she had been using the handicapped stall when there was no one else in the bathroom, and opened the door to find a person in a wheelchair waiting for it. Can you imagine the embarrassment and horror she felt?! Ever since hearing that story, I have made it my duty to NEVER use the Rolls Royce of stalls unless the bathroom is at maximum capacity. I have also created some possible solutions to end this epidemic:

• Bathroom monitor: Hey, many of us out there need jobs and while this one is less than desirable, it could be an effective way to stop public bathroom snobs from doing their business in stalls not designated for them.
• Assign a fine: Just as there is a fine for parking in a handicapped space, there could be a fine for depositing in a handicapped bathroom. While I have often been tempted to pull into a handicapped spot at Nordstrom during Christmas shopping season, I have been scared shitless (no pun intended) of getting ticketed.
• Swirly: Yea I said it. Swirly. If you see someone walking out of the handicapped stall, it is your right as an American Citizen to gather your other bathroom cohorts, and give that person a swirly.

If we use any of the above proposed solutions, I believe that handicapped bathroom stalls everywhere will be used by only the proper patrons. Big bathroom, big penalty.